The BIG "G"

Raise your hand if you've ever felt guilty? Yeah, yeah, I know; who hasn't. Well, even though I don't technically believe in New Year's resolutions (why not July resolutions or September resolutions...it's pretty arbitrary, yes?) but I will say, let's work on making 2012 a GUILT-FREE ZONE!

Guilt truly does get us nowhere. It doesn't erase our past transgressions, solve our problems or make us feel any better in the long run. Guilt is learned. I repeat, guilt is LEARNED. We aren't born with the ability to feel guilt, we're ingrained with it from a young age.

With guilt, we're never creating something better, we're only wallowing in shit. The good news is that whatever is learned can be unlearned. It takes a lot of work, self discipline and self monitoring, but with careful thought and deliberation, you can unlearn guilt.

I used to be a huge guilt sponge. Everything that I even perceived that I did to others was immediately transferred into my psyche as guilt, which led to self-punishment, which led to horrible feelings of inadequacy. The way that I worked on it, and continue to do so, is to stop and consider the reality of the situation every time I started to feel guilt-ridden.

"Was it really my fault that my friends got upset about the fact that I had to cancel my appearance at their party?" Was it really my fault that I slid on the ice while carrying my son and he hit his head? Was it really my fault that I couldn't make it to Christmas dinner and wanted to spend time with my wife and son instead?"

All of these things can be answered with a resounding "NO!", but only if I choose that response. Otherwise, I could just sit and cycle through the bad feelings over and over and over and over again until I've driven myself into such despair that I never want to talk to anyone again. Okay, so most of the the guilt that we feel is usually not quite that bad, but even lesser feelings of guilt can throw us into a tailspin, if even for an hour or two.

The bottom line is: don't do guilt. It won't get you anywhere and it certainly won't make you feel better. If you allow your actions in life to be directed by guilt, your freedom and choices will be eliminated in favor of being fearful about how they might affect other people. Don't do it to yourself; it's just not worth it!

The next time you start to feel guilty about something, consider the reality of the situation. Think about where the BIG "G" might take you if you give into it. If you choose to follow it down the rabbit hole, you might not find your way out as easily as you could have by feeling something else besides self-punishment.

Gimme Some Truth

If you're like me at all, it's sometimes to hard to pinpoint the reality of a situation with another person. Sure, most of the time people's more intense feelings are right there on the surface: pointy, soft, rough or smooth. We use our five senses to tune into how people are feeling. The more difficult part comes when you can't tell and/or you don't know what they're feeling right now.

Most people just forge their way ahead, a blind man in a sea of darkness. That's not necessarily good or bad; it just might not be the most effective way of handling things. If you want to truly connect to the person, start asking questions. What (not how!) are you feeling? Is it just me, or is there something wrong? You seem to be in a mood but I'm not sure; are you in a good or a bad mood? If you start to get one word answers and still aren't sure of how they are feeling and responding to you, DON'T pull away or go into your head about it.

Instead, take a deep breath and say what you feel like the truth of the situation is. You could start by saying something like, "I don't really feel connected to you right now and I want to be but it seems like you're distant." Depending on the reaction you get, this could lead you to a deeper level of connection with the person. Most people might respond by saying what's really going on with them and whether it involves you or not. You might not like the answer that you get if it does involve you, but you also might achieve a level of deeper connection with the person.

Keep this in mind, especially during this time of year, because almost everyone around you will be stressed out in some way, shape or form. By truly attempting to find out what's going on with the other person, you will be able to stay on track not only with yourself and what your intentions and commitments are, but also keep in touch with what those around you are committed to as well.

The Holidays: Hallelujah or Hum-Drum?

That time of year is upon us again: the holidays. It's a festive time of year and it's supposed to be the happiest time of year. For many people, though, it's a highly stressful time of year. When people come together, values, schedules, opinions, traditions and rituals collide. People get into and create drama and they have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. They can frequently fall out of love.

When I say fall out of love, I don't mean ending a relationship or friendship. Instead, I mean that people can forget that the most important, but also hardest part of the season: to love those around you and stay mentally and physically with them, even when things get rough.

The month of December is hard because all kinds of stresses come together to knock you sideways: cooking, shopping, school vacations, work responsibilities, in-laws, relatives, etc. It's also a time when you're trying to please other people too much and this kicks into overdrive if you have family staying with you. Frequently, you forget yourself in the rush of things. The best advice that I think anyone could offer during this time of year is to KEEP BREATHING. Deep, belly breaths that reach down into your very core will help you stay focused on yourself and take care of yourself by staying conscious and checked in with the people around you.

If you need to, take a break every once in awhile to refresh yourself and stay out of suffering. Don't let guilt overwhelm you; it's so easy for that to happen this time of year, but it forces your needs to disappear and be consumed by others. If you keep YOU on your To Do list, you will be much happier with everyone else around you. Do something special for yourself everyday of the season. Make it something that allows you a break and refreshes you at the same time. Give yourself 30 minutes of alone time, go get a massage, spend time with a friend that you hardly ever see, etc.

You only suffer if you choose to do so. Take yourself out of the potential for suffering by keeping your desires, intentions and commitments clear and celebrate yourself this season, along with everyone else around you!

Stuck in the Middle with Yourself

You can't please everyone. That's such an old saying and most people would agree with it, but I think there are very few of us who realize the truth of it. Most of us are frequently trying to satisfy everyone and getting nowhere in the process. We end up losing sight of the most important person in the process. Namely, US.

Sound selfish? Maybe. But if you're not working to keep yourself above water and not disappear from the world around you, then you'll quickly fade into the background. If you're stuck between two people: a boss and another coworker, your child and your spouse, a friend and another friend, you'll stay there until you extricate yourself from the situation and have them deal with each other directly.

Whatever it takes, get yourself OUT of the middle. If you're in the middle, you're in drama. Drama is not inherently a bad thing, but it can create a lot of turmoil and negative feelings that don't get anyone anywhere. If we really want to get OUT of drama and benefit everyone, take a look at what's causing you to be in the middle. Are the other two people afraid to talk to each other? Is it simply easier for them to talk to you? Are you enabling them to NOT talk to each other by being the referee? You need to ask yourself what your role in the tussle is and come to terms with the fact that it would be better for you to not even be involved in the first place. Focus on your own life and your individual relationships with the two people instead of focusing on their overall needs with each other.

Unfortunately, no one can do this for you. In order to step out of drama, you have to take the first step yourself.