Many times in life, we experience a situation that just feels icky. We might be dressed down by our boss, unintentionally insulted by a friend, felt guilty after a conversation with a family member, the list goes on and on...
First of all, your perception of "the way they made you feel" is 100% your choice. Believe it or not, you choose to feel a certain way because of a reaction or insult that someone hurls at you. The better you feel about yourself, the less external words and actions will bother you. Coaching can go a long way towards helping with that.
That being said, we still don't want people walking all over you. The other thing that's surprising about this concept, aside from perception being a choice, is that we also teach people how to treat us. If your boss knows that he can walk all over you, whether it's right or not, he will. If your sister knows that you're a bit of a pushover, she's going to try to guilt you into anything!
The first step towards minimizing these external pressures and teaching people how to treat you is to be aware of the effect that people can have on you. If you crumble at the first sign of guilt or confrontation, you're going to need to work on your assertiveness a bit. As cheesy as it sounds, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. If you create a bit more chutzpah and assertiveness in your life, people will not continue to treat you the way they do.
If your sister begs you to go on a blind double date with her, and you really don't want to go, don't be guilted into it! If your boss continually asks you to stay late and you're either not getting paid for it, or, if it's taking up too much of your personal life, maybe it's time to look for something else. It takes time to develop this new level of decisiveness and self care, but with effort comes results.
The bottom line is: teach other people how to treat you well. As mentioned in my previous post about friendships that you've outgrown, "changing your playground" may be required. If people can't rise to the challenge of treating you differently and consequently, better, then you may not want them in your life anymore.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime
Believe it or not, people who are currently in our lives won't necessarily be in them forever. Many of us have thought at one point that a so-called "friend" was treating us a certain way and that we didn't deserve it. I used to have a friend in high school (we'll call him Andrew) who was always tearing me down about how I was "too white" and a sell out because I didn't embrace African-American culture enough. He may have had a point, but that's not the one I'm trying to make here. The irony of the whole situation was that he was from India and was embracing African American culture as a way of fitting with American society more. I understood this, but didn't really care for the way that he continually baited me.
I put up with it for a long time (a couple of years, in fact) until, one day, it occurred to me that Andrew and I really didn't have that much in common in the first place. We had become friends through a mutual friend and that mutual friend had since moved away. I continued to hang out with Andrew because of convenience. I decided then and there that the next time he called me, I wouldn't call him back. And that's exactly what I did.
Now, this may seem harsh that I simply severed the friendship and didn't return his phone call. The latter, admittedly was a poor way of handling the situation, but the former was something that I have never regretted. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I should have had a conversation with him about how I didn't think the friendship was serving either one of us anymore. It was true, neither one of was getting anything out of the friendship, other than a convenient buddy to hang out with from time to time. With over 10 years to reflect on it, yes, I should have had this conversation. I do somewhat regret this.
However, I do not regret the decision of choosing to "change my playground" and not be friends with Andrew anymore. Yeah, I was a little lonely for awhile but I eventually made new friends. I know that Andrew did the same. I heard from him recently and he's married with a family, just like I am. Neither one of us went crazy and went on a killing spree or anything like that.
My point is that there are occasions in like where we really should "change playgrounds" and not be friends with someone anymore. There's a popular saying that a friend of mine likes to say, "Friends are either in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime". Not everyone that you consider a pal needs to be in your life always. This is especially true if you feel they're bringing you down. As with Andrew, his constant criticism was really challenging for me. It doesn't make him a bad person; part of the problem was that I didn't teach him how to treat me (which is another topic for another day's blog post) and so it wasn't completely his fault.
If your have someone in your life right now who really isn't benefiting you or even bringing you down, consider letting them go. Take a serious look at the relationship and see what you're both getting out of the relationship. If you can't, personally, come up with at least two positive things that you get from the friendship every week, then maybe you should think about letting them go. Or, at the very least, don't feel like you are required to see them as much as you do. Friends should provide happiness, insight and fun to your life, not guilt, dependence or negative energy. It's definitely something to consider.
I put up with it for a long time (a couple of years, in fact) until, one day, it occurred to me that Andrew and I really didn't have that much in common in the first place. We had become friends through a mutual friend and that mutual friend had since moved away. I continued to hang out with Andrew because of convenience. I decided then and there that the next time he called me, I wouldn't call him back. And that's exactly what I did.
Now, this may seem harsh that I simply severed the friendship and didn't return his phone call. The latter, admittedly was a poor way of handling the situation, but the former was something that I have never regretted. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I should have had a conversation with him about how I didn't think the friendship was serving either one of us anymore. It was true, neither one of was getting anything out of the friendship, other than a convenient buddy to hang out with from time to time. With over 10 years to reflect on it, yes, I should have had this conversation. I do somewhat regret this.
However, I do not regret the decision of choosing to "change my playground" and not be friends with Andrew anymore. Yeah, I was a little lonely for awhile but I eventually made new friends. I know that Andrew did the same. I heard from him recently and he's married with a family, just like I am. Neither one of us went crazy and went on a killing spree or anything like that.
My point is that there are occasions in like where we really should "change playgrounds" and not be friends with someone anymore. There's a popular saying that a friend of mine likes to say, "Friends are either in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime". Not everyone that you consider a pal needs to be in your life always. This is especially true if you feel they're bringing you down. As with Andrew, his constant criticism was really challenging for me. It doesn't make him a bad person; part of the problem was that I didn't teach him how to treat me (which is another topic for another day's blog post) and so it wasn't completely his fault.
If your have someone in your life right now who really isn't benefiting you or even bringing you down, consider letting them go. Take a serious look at the relationship and see what you're both getting out of the relationship. If you can't, personally, come up with at least two positive things that you get from the friendship every week, then maybe you should think about letting them go. Or, at the very least, don't feel like you are required to see them as much as you do. Friends should provide happiness, insight and fun to your life, not guilt, dependence or negative energy. It's definitely something to consider.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Toleration
Wikipedia defines "Toleration" as "the practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves". This is a perfect starting point because when you're tolerating things in your life, you not only typically disapprove of them, but they're also dragging you down and taking something away from your life.
Tolerations can be small things, like unwanted clothes that don't fit anymore, a dirty car, even a flickering light bulb. They can also be much, much bigger things. People who don't respect your time, coworkers who don't listen to you, a spouse or partner who doesn't believe in your dreams. No matter what it is, if you're tolerating something in your life, it's taking away from you. It's draining your energy in some way.
Sometimes it's hard to get rid of tolerations because we're so used to them being in our lives that they exist more on a subconscious level. We don't get sick of them until our frustration builds to the point of not being able to take it anymore and we might even have a blow up about it. Before it gets to that point, consider doing a 30 day exercise from Thomas Leonard's "28 Laws of Attraction".
Leonard suggests making a list of 30 things (or more) that you're tolerating in your life. Small, big, it doesn't matter. Then, over the course of the next 30 days, get rid of at least one thing a day. This not only helps to get rid of things that you're tolerating, but it also gets you in the habit of recognizing them and learning how to be proactive and just get rid of them! Once you've taken that first step, even if it's a small one, your level of energy will immediately go up because you're clearing away those things that drain it in the first place.
Tolerations can be small things, like unwanted clothes that don't fit anymore, a dirty car, even a flickering light bulb. They can also be much, much bigger things. People who don't respect your time, coworkers who don't listen to you, a spouse or partner who doesn't believe in your dreams. No matter what it is, if you're tolerating something in your life, it's taking away from you. It's draining your energy in some way.
Sometimes it's hard to get rid of tolerations because we're so used to them being in our lives that they exist more on a subconscious level. We don't get sick of them until our frustration builds to the point of not being able to take it anymore and we might even have a blow up about it. Before it gets to that point, consider doing a 30 day exercise from Thomas Leonard's "28 Laws of Attraction".
Leonard suggests making a list of 30 things (or more) that you're tolerating in your life. Small, big, it doesn't matter. Then, over the course of the next 30 days, get rid of at least one thing a day. This not only helps to get rid of things that you're tolerating, but it also gets you in the habit of recognizing them and learning how to be proactive and just get rid of them! Once you've taken that first step, even if it's a small one, your level of energy will immediately go up because you're clearing away those things that drain it in the first place.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Rediscover Yourself
As adults (and for some of us, I use that term lightly!), we frequently get lost in the jaded, monotonous pace of day-to-day life. The quotidian routines simply add up to the same things over and over. However, this happens only if you let them.
Part of what occurs with the coaching process is finding new ways to look at the drudgery and blind spots that keep us from achieving our goals in our day-to-day life. By being more like Aden and committing to discovering new things about the world everyday, and in particular, ourselves, we can create a new vision for our lives.
My challenge to you is to make a 30 day commitment to learning at least one new thing everyday. It doesn't have to be a biggie -- sign up for www.dictionary.com to do their "Word of the Day", read Google's daily snippet about what their logo design references that day, play with your kids more (they're our best teachers...). Anything that points your mind in a new direction and potentially gets your outlook altered just that little bit.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Live. Love. Grow.
As this is the first entry of LLG, I thought I would introduce myself and talk a little bit about the services I provide.
My name is Jason McKinney and I am a Life/Success Coach in Denver, Colorado. I have been coaching for almost nine months now and my business is called JWM Coaching, LLC. I specialize in dating, relationship and life purpose coaching for those in their 20s and 30s, but also like to coach people in a wide variety of age groups and specialties, including career, weight loss, time management and obstacle elimination coaching as well.
I have been trained through the Institute for Life Coach Training (
I hope that you will enjoy reading my blog posts about coaching and eliminating blocks to success in your life; feel free to email me with feedback and/or questions along the way!
Jason
My name is Jason McKinney and I am a Life/Success Coach in Denver, Colorado. I have been coaching for almost nine months now and my business is called JWM Coaching, LLC. I specialize in dating, relationship and life purpose coaching for those in their 20s and 30s, but also like to coach people in a wide variety of age groups and specialties, including career, weight loss, time management and obstacle elimination coaching as well.
I have been trained through the Institute for Life Coach Training (
I hope that you will enjoy reading my blog posts about coaching and eliminating blocks to success in your life; feel free to email me with feedback and/or questions along the way!
Jason
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)