The BIG "G"

Raise your hand if you've ever felt guilty? Yeah, yeah, I know; who hasn't. Well, even though I don't technically believe in New Year's resolutions (why not July resolutions or September resolutions...it's pretty arbitrary, yes?) but I will say, let's work on making 2012 a GUILT-FREE ZONE!

Guilt truly does get us nowhere. It doesn't erase our past transgressions, solve our problems or make us feel any better in the long run. Guilt is learned. I repeat, guilt is LEARNED. We aren't born with the ability to feel guilt, we're ingrained with it from a young age.

With guilt, we're never creating something better, we're only wallowing in shit. The good news is that whatever is learned can be unlearned. It takes a lot of work, self discipline and self monitoring, but with careful thought and deliberation, you can unlearn guilt.

I used to be a huge guilt sponge. Everything that I even perceived that I did to others was immediately transferred into my psyche as guilt, which led to self-punishment, which led to horrible feelings of inadequacy. The way that I worked on it, and continue to do so, is to stop and consider the reality of the situation every time I started to feel guilt-ridden.

"Was it really my fault that my friends got upset about the fact that I had to cancel my appearance at their party?" Was it really my fault that I slid on the ice while carrying my son and he hit his head? Was it really my fault that I couldn't make it to Christmas dinner and wanted to spend time with my wife and son instead?"

All of these things can be answered with a resounding "NO!", but only if I choose that response. Otherwise, I could just sit and cycle through the bad feelings over and over and over and over again until I've driven myself into such despair that I never want to talk to anyone again. Okay, so most of the the guilt that we feel is usually not quite that bad, but even lesser feelings of guilt can throw us into a tailspin, if even for an hour or two.

The bottom line is: don't do guilt. It won't get you anywhere and it certainly won't make you feel better. If you allow your actions in life to be directed by guilt, your freedom and choices will be eliminated in favor of being fearful about how they might affect other people. Don't do it to yourself; it's just not worth it!

The next time you start to feel guilty about something, consider the reality of the situation. Think about where the BIG "G" might take you if you give into it. If you choose to follow it down the rabbit hole, you might not find your way out as easily as you could have by feeling something else besides self-punishment.

Gimme Some Truth

If you're like me at all, it's sometimes to hard to pinpoint the reality of a situation with another person. Sure, most of the time people's more intense feelings are right there on the surface: pointy, soft, rough or smooth. We use our five senses to tune into how people are feeling. The more difficult part comes when you can't tell and/or you don't know what they're feeling right now.

Most people just forge their way ahead, a blind man in a sea of darkness. That's not necessarily good or bad; it just might not be the most effective way of handling things. If you want to truly connect to the person, start asking questions. What (not how!) are you feeling? Is it just me, or is there something wrong? You seem to be in a mood but I'm not sure; are you in a good or a bad mood? If you start to get one word answers and still aren't sure of how they are feeling and responding to you, DON'T pull away or go into your head about it.

Instead, take a deep breath and say what you feel like the truth of the situation is. You could start by saying something like, "I don't really feel connected to you right now and I want to be but it seems like you're distant." Depending on the reaction you get, this could lead you to a deeper level of connection with the person. Most people might respond by saying what's really going on with them and whether it involves you or not. You might not like the answer that you get if it does involve you, but you also might achieve a level of deeper connection with the person.

Keep this in mind, especially during this time of year, because almost everyone around you will be stressed out in some way, shape or form. By truly attempting to find out what's going on with the other person, you will be able to stay on track not only with yourself and what your intentions and commitments are, but also keep in touch with what those around you are committed to as well.

The Holidays: Hallelujah or Hum-Drum?

That time of year is upon us again: the holidays. It's a festive time of year and it's supposed to be the happiest time of year. For many people, though, it's a highly stressful time of year. When people come together, values, schedules, opinions, traditions and rituals collide. People get into and create drama and they have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. They can frequently fall out of love.

When I say fall out of love, I don't mean ending a relationship or friendship. Instead, I mean that people can forget that the most important, but also hardest part of the season: to love those around you and stay mentally and physically with them, even when things get rough.

The month of December is hard because all kinds of stresses come together to knock you sideways: cooking, shopping, school vacations, work responsibilities, in-laws, relatives, etc. It's also a time when you're trying to please other people too much and this kicks into overdrive if you have family staying with you. Frequently, you forget yourself in the rush of things. The best advice that I think anyone could offer during this time of year is to KEEP BREATHING. Deep, belly breaths that reach down into your very core will help you stay focused on yourself and take care of yourself by staying conscious and checked in with the people around you.

If you need to, take a break every once in awhile to refresh yourself and stay out of suffering. Don't let guilt overwhelm you; it's so easy for that to happen this time of year, but it forces your needs to disappear and be consumed by others. If you keep YOU on your To Do list, you will be much happier with everyone else around you. Do something special for yourself everyday of the season. Make it something that allows you a break and refreshes you at the same time. Give yourself 30 minutes of alone time, go get a massage, spend time with a friend that you hardly ever see, etc.

You only suffer if you choose to do so. Take yourself out of the potential for suffering by keeping your desires, intentions and commitments clear and celebrate yourself this season, along with everyone else around you!

Stuck in the Middle with Yourself

You can't please everyone. That's such an old saying and most people would agree with it, but I think there are very few of us who realize the truth of it. Most of us are frequently trying to satisfy everyone and getting nowhere in the process. We end up losing sight of the most important person in the process. Namely, US.

Sound selfish? Maybe. But if you're not working to keep yourself above water and not disappear from the world around you, then you'll quickly fade into the background. If you're stuck between two people: a boss and another coworker, your child and your spouse, a friend and another friend, you'll stay there until you extricate yourself from the situation and have them deal with each other directly.

Whatever it takes, get yourself OUT of the middle. If you're in the middle, you're in drama. Drama is not inherently a bad thing, but it can create a lot of turmoil and negative feelings that don't get anyone anywhere. If we really want to get OUT of drama and benefit everyone, take a look at what's causing you to be in the middle. Are the other two people afraid to talk to each other? Is it simply easier for them to talk to you? Are you enabling them to NOT talk to each other by being the referee? You need to ask yourself what your role in the tussle is and come to terms with the fact that it would be better for you to not even be involved in the first place. Focus on your own life and your individual relationships with the two people instead of focusing on their overall needs with each other.

Unfortunately, no one can do this for you. In order to step out of drama, you have to take the first step yourself.

If It's Not Working, Try Something Different!

As many people know, Einstein's definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, over and over, but expecting different results each time. It might sound ridiculous, but most people do this, again and again, every day of their lives. Even if their relationships aren't working, they keep acting the same way, hoping that other people will change. Their boss isn't satisfied with their job performance, but they keep trying to please them in the same way. Who knows? Maybe even the boss is attempting to motivate his/her employees in the same way everyday and that isn't working...

The point is, if you aren't satisfied with the results you're getting in some area of your life, turn things upside down a bit. If you're not successful with your business right now, offer a new special or discount to attract customers. If your partner says that you never listen when they talk, shut your mouth and open your ears the next time they have something important to say, if your boss is unhappy with you, take the initiative and find out what would make them happy.

So many times in life, when we're up against a brick wall, we're tempted to keep pounding our head against it until we get our way. Instead, it's much easier (and less likely to cause a concussion!) to find our way around that wall instead of through it.

Give it a try; whatever you're struggling with today, try something new. Maybe even something that you never would have imagined before. It might just work; at the very least, you'll start training yourself to be a solution-oriented thinker.

Intention

How can you get where you want to go if you don't have a clear intention about how to get there?

A goal is what you want; an intention is what that goal looks, tastes, feels, sounds and smells like and might include how you're going to get there; it might not. The clearer you are about your intention(s), the more likely you are to get to your goal.

When I first started working with a personal coach (several years before I decided to become one) on how to go about meeting my soul mate, she had me get entirely clear on what that soul mate would look like. I was somewhat skeptical, but made a list with three categories: Must Haves, Needs, and Bonus. Basically, I focused on what was essential primarily, then qualities that I also needed but might not be of quite as much importance and finally, attributes that it would be nice if my partner had. After I made the list, I didn't throw it away, but I didn't obsess about it either. In fact, it disappeared somewhere into the maelstrom of what my life looked like at that moment.

Eventually, I met Sarah, we dated, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Several months after this, I was going through some things that I was about to throw out and I found the list. The qualities that I had put down matched my fiance perfectly...even the "bonus" ones! I had written down my intentions and I went on to create them, whether I knew it at the time or not.

I know so many people that somehow think that if they walk around blindly looking for something they want, it's simply going to land in their lap. It might, or it might not. Either way, there is a better way of doing things, odds-wise. Here's a prime example. I have a friend, we'll call her Elaine (I know you're immediately thinking of Seinfeld, which is fine because this person couldn't be more different than the token female on that show). Elaine got out of a long relationship a couple of years ago and now she's looking for her soul mate. She's gotten to the point in her life where she wants to meet that special someone and settle down. Elaine has had some difficulties though.

Elaine keeps dating men that just aren't within the parameters of what she's looking for. Commitment-phobes, serial daters, men that she just doesn't click with, you name it, she's dated them. I keep telling her that:

1) She would benefit from watching out for Red Flags. If the guy you went out with last week can't call you to cancel your plans and he texts you instead; NEXT!!!! There are too many fish in the sea and you're too special to put up with flakes.

2) Elaine might find a lot of success with being really, really clear about her intentions. If she knows what she wants in a relationship, she could write it down and put it out there. She prefers to keep her "musts" in her head, though, as she's told me in the past.

And what's wrong with that? Can't you keep track of what you want just as well in your head as you can on paper? Well, yeah, sure. BUT...you knew it was coming! There is something really attractive (and I use that to mean, "attracting something or someone", not how hot you look in those Manolos) about writing what you want down. It clarifies your intentions, it gets them in front of you, it really ensures that what you're writing is what you want because once it's down there in black and white, there is something very reassuring and comforting about it. This is what you want and this is what you're asking to be attracted to...no matter what. You'll settle for nothing less.

You might want to think about giving it a try. Even if you're not looking for someone(thing) specific right now, you can still use this exercise. Try something like the following and see how it works out for you:

MY INTENTION FOR TOMORROW IS: Have a great day with my son and be open to all new experiences.

MY INTENTION FOR THE WEEK IS: I want the STL Cardinals to win the next two games of the World Series!

MY INTENTION FOR THE MONTH IS: Find five new coaching clients!

What's Your Story?

People tell stories to survive. Religion, politics, art, war, love; stories have been created over the course of human history to instill well-being, justification, mental peace of mind, etc. When we growing up, we were told a story in our own lives as well. Some of us were told that we were pretty and were born for greatness, others that we were nothing and never would be, most of us were told something in between these two extremes.

Whatever your story is, you start learning it from a young age, and it directs the course of your life. It's not necessarily good or bad, but if it keeps you from achieving what you want, then it should be examined. Coaches help people with their story. Typically, a problem with money can be because you might have been raised to think that you don't deserve or it's too difficult to get and it should be hoarded. A lack of love in your life might because the story you were told is that love is hard and you're better off alone. A hard time with weight loss could be because you were raised to identify food as love and without food, where is the love in your life?

So think about your story. What good things came out of it? What bad things came out of it? Don't dwell too much on positives and negatives though; simply think about how it got you to where you are now. Do you need to alter your story? Do you need to create an entirely new one? If you're a parent, are you concerned about passing that story onto your children?

Our stories make us who we are and there's nothing wrong with that. The difficulty arises when they aren't serving us anymore and we need an "editor" to help us create new meaning for ourselves; to help us create the future that we want. Otherwise, we will repeat our past over and over again and our children will do the same.

Jason 3.0, Version 2

I used to be an asshole. No excuses, no preconditions, no reasons, just the bare truth. When I was in college back in the late 90's/early 00's, it was a wonder that I had any friends at all. I quote from an essay that I wrote about four years ago for a writing class:


"I did a lot of things that semester to piss people off. I yelled at them about their taste in music, stole the peephole out of someone’s door, and squirted shaving cream through said peephole. I wasn’t the nicest of people."

The person that I am now, at 32, instead of the 19 that I was then, bears little resemblance to that earlier version. Even the person that I was less than 10 years ago, at the age of 26 is quite different. From the same essay:

"Colorado had become my home and I was happy here, but I was nearing my three year ‘residential anniversary’ and I still didn’t have a lot to show for it in the way of a social life. I can’t say that I was unhappy, but I didn’t feel like I thought I should. My fragile façade was beginning to crack – revealing a life that wasn’t exactly what I had planned. I imagined my existence in terms of Eliot’s Prufrock, who passes his time monotonously and cautiously, ‘measuring my life with coffee spoons.’ I had to do something to figure out how to break out of the humdrum routine...find a way to live my life in a way where I could not only survive, but also prosper and be happy."

The me that is now 32 and has elapsed six years since that time is a different, I like to even think better, version of myself. If that older version was Jason 2.0 Version 6, let's call this one, Jason 3.0, Version 2. A lot of things have transpired in that period of time that was a little more than half of a decade ago. I'm married, I have a beautiful son who is almost a year old, I've had four careers since then, and I've done a lot of work on myself, mentally, physically and, to a certain extent, spiritually. I've reinvented myself into someone who that 26 year old probably wouldn't even recognize, let alone that 19 year old.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people come to me all of the time, stuck, confused, fearful, doubtful, full of the coulda, shoulda, wouldas... I've been in those places many times myself, I'm not saying I haven't. The main thing that people need to know is that all of these afflictions are based around two obstacles: fear and, well, fear. Like I've said in the past, fear is NOT a bad thing. It's okay to be scared. Just don't let it hold you back.

Someone once said that "Necessity is the Mother of Invention". I believe that Reinvention is the Necessity of Life. It's never too late to change things around. If you don't like your job, find a new one. Unhappy in your romantic relationship? Fix it; or get out of it. Not happy with your connection (or lack of) with your kids? Do something about it. Never let the unknown stand in your way. 

Many of us, and I'm mainly talking to the men out there...but, ladies, listen up as well, think that life is something that can't be changed and that the only authentic way of living it is to just grin and bear it and push on through with a little more grit. Not true... I've met so many people over the past year who have found solutions to the challenges and problems that life gives them and continue to do so. They acknowledge the fear and then let it go and keep moving.

On the other hand, I know other people who have given up. They don't want to learn anything else, live any differently, explore new options. They might as well roll over and die. If you're stuck and you can't accept it, refuse to acknowledge it or ignore it and stick your head in the sand, you're as good as dead. Regardless of what many of us would like (and I include myself in this) NOTHING is static, life is always moving on, with or without you. Nature, in its most primitive state, always moves towards entropy, or chaos. If you don't strive against that entropy, you will, at least mentally, return to the soil. You may not be physically dead, but your mental and spiritual states, along with your energy level will be.

Harsh words? Maybe. But I'm not here to hold hands. I'm here to change your way of thinking and get you moving. So, here's your homework. Take one thing that you're afraid of, right now, in the moment, and go conquer it. I don't care if it's that doctor's appointment you've been putting off, that cute girl at the bookstore you're scared of talking to, or even the fact that you haven't cleaned your bathtub in six months. Do one thing that scares the shit out of you and cross it off the list. Feel free to share what kind of experience you had when you're done. And, oh yeah, I'm doing it, too. Tomorrow night, I'm going to a French conversation group with five strangers to brush up on my skills before I get on the plane next month.

 

Mistakes...?

The other day, I was at the dentist, finishing up the third in a series of recent appointments because I hadn't been in half a decade. As I was extricating myself from the chair, my dentist was asking me about my coaching business.

I told him how I was just starting out and that it was growing more as time went by. He told me a little bit about his recent experiences with a coach that he had just hired and how he wants to grow his business. He also mentioned that he's been dating someone new for awhile that he met after doing some work on himself. Just general, coaching-type stuff, that I hear a lot.

He went on to tell me that marrying his ex-wife had been a mistake and then he caught himself. "Actually, there are no mistakes," he said. After I left his office, that stuck with me. Even though I know that you (hopefully) always learn from mistakes, it was powerful to hear it in such definitive terms -- "There are NO mistakes". Not some...not a few...NONE.

I must have still been processing this the next morning because I made a few errors that got my day off to a rough start. The alarm on my phone didn't go off, so I was 30 minutes late to my weekly networking meeting. To add insult to injury, I then flubbed the location for an appointment I had after that. I spent the next hour or so berating myself, but then my wife brought me back to reality by mentioning the fact that I never do this kind of thing...so what happened?

I thought about it and eventually came up with two lessons from this mild fiasco:

1) Everybody makes mistakes and I can't endlessly mentally flagellate myself. It was getting me nowhere.

2)  As my dentist said, there are no mistakes. I prefer to think of them as learning experiences. I will obviously never use my phone as an alarm clock again and I won't space an appointment location because I'm committed to double-checking all addresses in the future.

It didn't too long after this for my day to get better; I felt much better about myself, too. I think this frequently happens to many people. A mistake is made, maybe even two, and it sets the tone for the rest of the day, affecting how we feel and perform.
Many times, our mistakes become so internalized that we allow them to profoundly effect the course of our lives, even if it's only for that single day.

By switching the focus of your attention away from the gaffe and realizing that mistakes are great teachers, you can then allow your day to go on as it might have previously.

Many times, successes are celebrated and failures are not. It might sound strange, but some corporations have found it to be just as effective to laud their personnel's so-called failures, as their triumphs. Failure is automatically a bad word in our culture but it doesn't have to be. Successes come and go, but mistakes seem to be frequently learned from so effectively that many times, the same error is not made again in the future.

Attempt to apply this to your own life. Don't consider mistakes negative events; think of them as something to live, love and grow from!

A Perfect Present

It's been awhile since my last post and I had plenty of time for relaxation with family over the long 4th of July weekend as I hope you did, too. One of the things that I've been thinking about a lot lately is the idea that even though we might not think of it this way, our present, in this moment, right now, is perfect ... just the way it is.

Thomas Leonard, in his book The 28 Laws of Attraction, talks about how our present, right now, not the past and not the future, is perfect. The things we have done in the past have brought us to where we are now and the things that we do now will take us into the future.

Even on our worse days, our present is perfect because we have set it up that way. This may seem a little abstract in the beginning, but once you give it some thought, you'll see that there is truth to the idea. Leonard puts it this way:

"When you recognize and accept that things are the way they are, and that the present is all we truly have, then it's not too much of a leap to believe that the present is perfect. Maybe it's not optimum, but it is perfect to learn from and perfect to grow from."

It took me a long time (maybe even a couple of years) to get used to this idea and allow it to fully sink in, but once it did, it made a lot of sense. As is frequently repeated ad nauseam to us, the past is gone, the future isn't here yet, the present is all we have. You can learn from where you are now by looking at what got you here and grow from where you are by looking at what you can do to better shape your future.

Leonard also says, "Being in sync (and in love) with your present is just about the best way to optimize your future." Don't look to yesterday to figure out your future. Figure out where you are right now and use that place to move forward into a greater tomorrow. As the guy at Target who waited on me yesterday, when I asked how he was doing, said, "I'm wonderful and only getting better!"

Grace/Nature

Be kinder than necessary because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

-- James M. Barre

It's so easy to be rude. Flippant. Terse. People are this way with us everyday and, frequently, we can be the same way back. Whether we intend to or not. The harder task is to do the opposite. Be kind. Thorough. Warm. Interested.

My wife and I saw an interesting film over the weekend; The Tree of Life is certainly not for everyone (my wife thought it was a waste of time; I thought it was wonderful). The plot (or lack of one, as my wife might say!) centered around many things: the evolution of our planet, fathers, sons, mothers, life, death, creation, destruction. One idea that stuck out the most though is the idea of grace versus nature.

Grace (embodied and espoused by the protagonist's mother) is described as the following, "Grace doesn't try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries." Nature, on the other hand, "only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things." Nature is represented by the protagonist's father, who believes that the only way to get ahead in the world is to be forceful and not let anyone get in your way. He's not a bad man, but he is a very hard one.

The protagonist, as most of us are, is continually torn between these two poles throughout his life. At one point, he says, "Father, Mother. Always you wrestle inside me. Always you will." There is that constant struggle that we all wage everyday. Do we do the right thing, the good thing and help those around us on their journey or do we choose the opposite, do we decide to give in to our baser instincts, our primal urges and claw our way to the top of the heap?

If we stop and remember that everyone is going through the same struggles, sometimes easier, sometimes harder, that we are, our lives will not only be happier, but more fulfilling. It's easy to forgot this and just forge through: grab your change at the gas station and leave in a huff, give that guy the finger who cut you off, ignore your workmates when they tell you, "good morning". We've all done some of these things and will probably do them again. Just remember though, you're not really hurting them, you're hurting yourself. They will go about their day, think "asshole" and move on. But what about what's going on with you? What motivated you to do those things anyway?

Motivational speaker and life coach, Brian Tracy, frequently talks about the Law of Correspondence in his books and talks. This idea, which he reports has been around since the days of Christ, says that the world around us is a 360 degree representation of our inner being. What we present/project to the world around us affects the way that people respond to us, the opportunities and disappointments that present themselves and the satisfaction that we get out of life. Usually, it's not just random chance if you have a bad day or things aren't going well for you. Frequently, we attract the events, people and opportunities that come into our lives. Interesting stuff, huh?

Whether you choose to believe that last part is up to you, but just try to keep this in mind. The last time you had one of those days where everything went to shit (you were late for everything, you didn't finish all of your work, you got into disagreements at work and/or at home), what kind of attitude or perception of the world did you have that day? I would bet that 95% of the time, part of the reason that all of these negative things happened, is the manner in which you started the day and kept that trend going throughout its entirety. 

So next time you're having a rough day and it feels like everything is going downhill quickly, take five minutes, take some deep breaths and try to shift your mood and refocus your efforts to change your outlook. I guarantee that you will get results. If not, keep trying; you'll get there.

It's Time...

As some of you might already know, I'm having a time management seminar on August 2nd at the Cherry Creek Library here in Denver. In order to give you a little bit better idea of what I'm going to be talking about, I thought I would provide a FREE sample of what the agenda will look like...

Time Management refers to a range of skills, tools, and techniques used to manage time when accomplishing specific tasks, projects and goals.

The tools and techniques I'm going to talk about will help you find more time for your To Do Lists, family, friends, pleasure and, namely, yourself! We're going to do exercises to find out where all of your time is going and also what you would do if you had all of the time in the world.

We'll discuss what it would look like for you to have a perfect environment to live in, so you can get more done in your life and still have an abundance of free time! Wouldn't that be great?

There are also going to be a lot of great tips about how NOT to stress out about and feel guilty about not getting things done. Here's a free one right now: "Allow yourself frequent breaks during your workday; make each task as FUN as possible, make sure you play while you work!".

Remember, time wasters are in the eye of the beholder. If you enjoy doing something, just because someone else might think it's a dead end activity doesn't mean it is. If you get something out of it, then do it! If you like watching trash TV, playing flag football in the park, vegging out with a trashy romance novel, none of these are a waste of time if they reenergize you and/or let you decompress. The key is moderation and we'll talk about that, too!

Since I believe in having fun while working, I guarantee a good time while also learning how to manage your time better. And remember, homemade goodies are included in your $10 admission fee! Go to http://www.facebook.com/JWMCoaching?sk=events to sign up!

Fear: Fictional Events Appearing Real

One of the more impressive insights I've come across recently is the "real" definition of Fear: Fictional Events Appearing Real. The main reason this struck me so much is that fear is probably one of the few emotions that we all feel nearly every day of our lives.

Whether we want to admit or not, fear crops up all the time. Many people feel that fear is a bad thing; it's associated with weakness and inferiority. This is simply NOT TRUE. And don't let those guys with "NO FEAR" stickers on their pickups tell you otherwise.

First of all, there are two types of fear: good fear and bad fear. If we didn't have good fear, we would all be dead. Evolutionarily speaking, it's what keeps us alive. If we didn't have good fear, we would step right in front of that semi while waiting to cross the street. If we didn't have good fear, we would touch a hot iron or a hot stove (much like I did when I was younger, and much to my chagrin...). If we didn't have good fear, we would act like those guys on MTV's Jackass, but unlike them, we would end up dead or seriously injured. You get the picture...

Bad fears, though, are those fictional events that we create in our minds that hold us back and sometimes even paralyze us. In our minds they appear real, but it's typically only something that we imagine, not something that actually exists. Unfortunately, we can frequently let the bad fear run our lives as much as the good fear. You're nervous about meeting that new client, so you worry about it for the entire week prior. You allow the jitters about a first date to take over so completely that you end up sabotaging the whole thing. You begin to worry about your tax return for next year and it's only the end of May...

We all do things like this, and that's okay. The problems come up when you let these fears take over and run your life. When you become so frozen by fear that you can't move forward is when things start to really become an issue. If it's something as simple as you have a fear of raw fish, so you won't eat sushi, it's more a personal opinion and your own tough luck if you don't try it! If it becomes a larger issue, like you can't leave your house because of a social phobia or you can't continue working at your current job because you've developed a paralyzing fear of messing up a new project because of what happened with the last one, that's when a real dilemma arises.

Some of these challenges might require counseling, but most of the more garden variety ones can be remedied through being more rational about your outlook (you can't really do anything about what's worrying you by worrying about it, can you?) and/or by partnering with a coach to help you to challenge your fears and work on getting rid of them for good. Many times, if fear is showing up in one area of your life, then you're most likely encountering it across the board in other areas as well. This is why coaching can be so effective. Once you learn to see unnecessary fears for what they are, then you'll not only be able to recognize them, but also get rid of them much more easily.

--Thanks to Dr. Jeff Cartwright for sharing the "real" definition of fear with me.

Memorial Day

For most of us, this is probably a pretty crazy time; a nice long weekend and then a shortened, hectic week playing catch up. I think a lot of people may forget the fact that Monday was a commemoration of the service to our country that our nation's soldiers have given and continue to do so.

Everyone deserves to memorialize or commemorate things in their life though, whether they've given active service in the military or not. The term "memorial" is defined as, "something that commemorates; a keepsake; a memento; a record". So far in this blog, I've talked about the importance of change and what you need to do to move forward. In this post, I want to ask you to look back at the things that you've done in the past year. What has moved your life forward in a positive way? I have several examples of things that I've done in the past year that I'm particularly proud of; you should make a list and reflect on yours as well. Be proud of what you've accomplished and realize that not everyone chooses to move forward in their life; if you have done so, celebrate it!

Since last May, I have done the following that I'm particularly proud of:

1) I have a beautiful, amazing son, Aden, who was born on August 23rd, 2010. I'm proud of the way that I've helped raise him in the past nine months and start him on his path to a fruitful and happy life.

2) I started my own coaching business in September 2010 and continue to move it forward to a successful enterprise. It's hard work, but it's worth it!

3) I ran/walked my first 5K in April and did my first 10K on Memorial Day of this year with Aden. I'm immensely proud of these two things because I couldn't have imagined doing either one of them five years ago!

These are mine, and they're just three examples of things that I've accomplished in the past 12 months. I'm sure there are many more, but these stand out the most. Do the same for yourself; make a list and look it over. Think about the many things you've accomplished in the last year and look forward to a new year of doing even more!

When you're doing this, don't forget the support that you've gotten in order to achieve these things. For me, I couldn't have done any of this (especially the birth of my son!) without my beautiful wife, Sarah. When you memorialize and remember what you've done, don't forget to think about those who supported you and helped you get there!

Teach People How to Treat You

Many times in life, we experience a situation that just feels icky. We might be dressed down by our boss, unintentionally insulted by a friend, felt guilty after a conversation with a family member, the list goes on and on...

First of all, your perception of "the way they made you feel"  is 100% your choice. Believe it or not, you choose to feel a certain way because of a reaction or insult that someone hurls at you. The better you feel about yourself, the less external words and actions will bother you. Coaching can go a long way towards helping with that.

That being said, we still don't want people walking all over you. The other thing that's surprising about this concept, aside from perception being a choice, is that we also teach people how to treat us. If your boss knows that he can walk all over you, whether it's right or not, he will. If your sister knows that you're a bit of a pushover, she's going to try to guilt you into anything!

The first step towards minimizing these external pressures and teaching people how to treat you is to be aware of the effect that people can have on you. If you crumble at the first sign of guilt or confrontation, you're going to need to work on your assertiveness a bit. As cheesy as it sounds, if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. If you create a bit more chutzpah and assertiveness in your life, people will not continue to treat you the way they do.

If your sister begs you to go on a blind double date with her, and you really don't want to go, don't be guilted into it! If your boss continually asks you to stay late and you're either not getting paid for it, or, if it's taking up too much of your personal life, maybe it's time to look for something else. It takes time to develop this new level of decisiveness and self care, but with effort comes results.

The bottom line is: teach other people how to treat you well. As mentioned in my previous post about friendships that you've outgrown, "changing your playground" may be required. If people can't rise to the challenge of treating you differently and consequently, better, then you may not want them in your life anymore.

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime

Believe it or not, people who are currently in our lives won't necessarily be in them forever. Many of us have thought at one point that a so-called "friend" was treating us a certain way and that we didn't deserve it. I used to have a friend in high school (we'll call him Andrew) who was always tearing me down about how I was "too white" and a sell out because I didn't embrace African-American culture enough. He may have had a point, but that's not the one I'm trying to make here. The irony of the whole situation was that he was from India and was embracing African American culture as a way of fitting with American society more. I understood this, but didn't really care for the way that he continually baited me.

I put up with it for a long time (a couple of years, in fact) until, one day, it occurred to me that Andrew and I really didn't have that much in common in the first place. We had become friends through a mutual friend and that mutual friend had since moved away. I continued to hang out with Andrew because of convenience. I decided then and there that the next time he called me, I wouldn't call him back. And that's exactly what I did.

Now, this may seem harsh that I simply severed the friendship and didn't return his phone call. The latter, admittedly was a poor way of handling the situation, but the former was something that I have never regretted. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I should have had a conversation with him about how I didn't think the friendship was serving either one of us anymore. It was true, neither one of was getting anything out of the friendship, other than a convenient buddy to hang out with from time to time. With over 10 years to reflect on it, yes, I should have had this conversation. I do somewhat regret this.

However, I do not regret the decision of choosing to "change my playground" and not be friends with Andrew anymore. Yeah, I was a little lonely for awhile but I eventually made new friends. I know that Andrew did the same. I heard from him recently and he's married with a family, just like I am. Neither one of us went crazy and went on a killing spree or anything like that.

My point is that there are occasions in like where we really should "change playgrounds" and not be friends with someone anymore. There's a popular saying that a friend of mine likes to say, "Friends are either in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime". Not everyone that you consider a pal needs to be in your life always. This is especially true if you feel they're bringing you down. As with Andrew, his constant criticism was really challenging for me. It doesn't make him a bad person; part of the problem was that I didn't teach him how to treat me (which is another topic for another day's blog post) and so it wasn't completely his fault.

If your have someone in your life right now who really isn't benefiting you or even bringing you down, consider letting them go. Take a serious look at the relationship and see what you're both getting out of the relationship. If you can't, personally, come up with at least two positive things that you get from the friendship every week, then maybe you should think about letting them go. Or, at the very least, don't feel like you are required to see them as much as you do. Friends should provide happiness, insight and fun to your life, not guilt, dependence or negative energy. It's definitely something to consider.

Toleration

Wikipedia defines "Toleration" as "the practice of deliberately allowing or permitting a thing of which one disapproves". This is a perfect starting point because when you're tolerating things in your life, you not only typically disapprove of them, but they're also dragging you down and taking something away from your life.

Tolerations can be small things, like unwanted clothes that don't fit anymore, a dirty car, even a flickering light bulb. They can also be much, much bigger things. People who don't respect your time, coworkers who don't listen to you, a spouse or partner who doesn't believe in your dreams. No matter what it is, if you're tolerating something in your life, it's taking away from you. It's draining your energy in some way.

Sometimes it's hard to get rid of tolerations because we're so used to them being in our lives that they exist more on a subconscious level. We don't get sick of them until our frustration builds to the point of not being able to take it anymore and we might even have a blow up about it. Before it gets to that point, consider doing a 30 day exercise from Thomas Leonard's "28 Laws of Attraction".

Leonard suggests making a list of 30 things (or more) that you're tolerating in your life. Small, big, it doesn't matter. Then, over the course of the next 30 days, get rid of at least one thing a day. This not only helps to get rid of things that you're tolerating, but it also gets you in the habit of recognizing them and learning how to be proactive and just get rid of them! Once you've taken that first step, even if it's a small one, your level of energy will immediately go up because you're clearing away those things that drain it in the first place.

Rediscover Yourself

My nine month old son, Aden, is learning new things about the world around him everyday. His eyes light up with wonder whenever he encounters something he hasn't seen before. Many times, his eyes light up simply with the joy of being alive.

As adults (and for some of us, I use that term lightly!), we frequently get lost in the jaded, monotonous pace of day-to-day life. The quotidian routines simply add up to the same things over and over. However, this happens only if you let them.

Part of what occurs with the coaching process is finding new ways to look at the drudgery and blind spots that keep us from achieving our goals in our day-to-day life. By being more like Aden and committing to discovering new things about the world everyday, and in particular, ourselves, we can create a new vision for our lives.

My challenge to you is to make a 30 day commitment to learning at least one new thing everyday. It doesn't have to be a biggie -- sign up for www.dictionary.com to do their "Word of the Day", read Google's daily snippet about what their logo design references that day, play with your kids more (they're our best teachers...). Anything that points your mind in a new direction and potentially gets your outlook altered just that little bit.

Live. Love. Grow.

As this is the first entry of LLG, I thought I would introduce myself and talk a little bit about the services I provide.

My name is Jason McKinney and I am a Life/Success Coach in Denver, Colorado. I have been coaching for almost nine months now and my business is called JWM Coaching, LLC. I specialize in dating, relationship and life purpose coaching for those in their 20s and 30s, but also like to coach people in a wide variety of age groups and specialties, including career, weight loss, time management and obstacle elimination coaching as well.

I have been trained through the Institute for Life Coach Training (www.lifecoachtraining.com) and also currently work with two Denver area coaches as mentors to strengthen my training even further. Please look for my website soon at www.jwmcoaching.com for more information.

I hope that you will enjoy reading my blog posts about coaching and eliminating blocks to success in your life; feel free to email me with feedback and/or questions along the way! 

Jason