Live. Love. GROW.

Growth. Such a big, grown-up word. When I think of that word, I usually picture myself stretching to the point of breaking and moving into something new for myself and being uncomfortable in the process. A colleague of mine says that the only way to grow is to get uncomfortable and that whenever you're uncomfortable, think of it as growing a new part of yourself. I think that's mighty wise.

At this point in a new year, the words "growth", "resolution", "new you", etc. are being thrown around as much as leftover confetti in Times Square on Jan. 1. It inspires many of us and a lot of people spend the first week or two of January scrambling for new ways to grow themselves. Then, by Feb. 1, it's all over. It also might turn a lot of people off. Many don't like the idea of growth. They want to stay who they are and don't think that change is anything that needs to happen to them. Growth might even be a bad word to them.

Okay, so the pressure's off. Growth is challenging, growth is difficult, growth is not always popular. What it also is though, is endlessly rewarding, incredibly positive and habit-forming once you start doing it. Yes, it is a New Year. Yes, the endless, "Hallmark-type holiday" bombardment all around you is a bit annoying. However, don't think of it as a New Year's Resolution. Think of it as a way of changing things in your life, regardless of what time of the year it is. You can do it in February, you can do it in March, you can even do it over the Fourth of July. But, as the Talmud says, "If not now...when?"

I'm offering a 60 minute coaching session for $20.12 (a $94 value) for the next week; until January 13th. If there is anything, anything at all that you want to consider changing in your life, come see me; or call me. We can talk about where you want to go with your life, what you want to do differently, who you want to be differently in 2012.

It doesn't have to be anything huge, but it can be. It can be something that could change your life. It could be something that gives you a completely new perspective on the short amount of time that we have on this planet. Don't you owe it to yourself to find out?

jwmcoaching.com

The BIG "G"

Raise your hand if you've ever felt guilty? Yeah, yeah, I know; who hasn't. Well, even though I don't technically believe in New Year's resolutions (why not July resolutions or September resolutions...it's pretty arbitrary, yes?) but I will say, let's work on making 2012 a GUILT-FREE ZONE!

Guilt truly does get us nowhere. It doesn't erase our past transgressions, solve our problems or make us feel any better in the long run. Guilt is learned. I repeat, guilt is LEARNED. We aren't born with the ability to feel guilt, we're ingrained with it from a young age.

With guilt, we're never creating something better, we're only wallowing in shit. The good news is that whatever is learned can be unlearned. It takes a lot of work, self discipline and self monitoring, but with careful thought and deliberation, you can unlearn guilt.

I used to be a huge guilt sponge. Everything that I even perceived that I did to others was immediately transferred into my psyche as guilt, which led to self-punishment, which led to horrible feelings of inadequacy. The way that I worked on it, and continue to do so, is to stop and consider the reality of the situation every time I started to feel guilt-ridden.

"Was it really my fault that my friends got upset about the fact that I had to cancel my appearance at their party?" Was it really my fault that I slid on the ice while carrying my son and he hit his head? Was it really my fault that I couldn't make it to Christmas dinner and wanted to spend time with my wife and son instead?"

All of these things can be answered with a resounding "NO!", but only if I choose that response. Otherwise, I could just sit and cycle through the bad feelings over and over and over and over again until I've driven myself into such despair that I never want to talk to anyone again. Okay, so most of the the guilt that we feel is usually not quite that bad, but even lesser feelings of guilt can throw us into a tailspin, if even for an hour or two.

The bottom line is: don't do guilt. It won't get you anywhere and it certainly won't make you feel better. If you allow your actions in life to be directed by guilt, your freedom and choices will be eliminated in favor of being fearful about how they might affect other people. Don't do it to yourself; it's just not worth it!

The next time you start to feel guilty about something, consider the reality of the situation. Think about where the BIG "G" might take you if you give into it. If you choose to follow it down the rabbit hole, you might not find your way out as easily as you could have by feeling something else besides self-punishment.

Gimme Some Truth

If you're like me at all, it's sometimes to hard to pinpoint the reality of a situation with another person. Sure, most of the time people's more intense feelings are right there on the surface: pointy, soft, rough or smooth. We use our five senses to tune into how people are feeling. The more difficult part comes when you can't tell and/or you don't know what they're feeling right now.

Most people just forge their way ahead, a blind man in a sea of darkness. That's not necessarily good or bad; it just might not be the most effective way of handling things. If you want to truly connect to the person, start asking questions. What (not how!) are you feeling? Is it just me, or is there something wrong? You seem to be in a mood but I'm not sure; are you in a good or a bad mood? If you start to get one word answers and still aren't sure of how they are feeling and responding to you, DON'T pull away or go into your head about it.

Instead, take a deep breath and say what you feel like the truth of the situation is. You could start by saying something like, "I don't really feel connected to you right now and I want to be but it seems like you're distant." Depending on the reaction you get, this could lead you to a deeper level of connection with the person. Most people might respond by saying what's really going on with them and whether it involves you or not. You might not like the answer that you get if it does involve you, but you also might achieve a level of deeper connection with the person.

Keep this in mind, especially during this time of year, because almost everyone around you will be stressed out in some way, shape or form. By truly attempting to find out what's going on with the other person, you will be able to stay on track not only with yourself and what your intentions and commitments are, but also keep in touch with what those around you are committed to as well.

The Holidays: Hallelujah or Hum-Drum?

That time of year is upon us again: the holidays. It's a festive time of year and it's supposed to be the happiest time of year. For many people, though, it's a highly stressful time of year. When people come together, values, schedules, opinions, traditions and rituals collide. People get into and create drama and they have a hard time seeing the bigger picture. They can frequently fall out of love.

When I say fall out of love, I don't mean ending a relationship or friendship. Instead, I mean that people can forget that the most important, but also hardest part of the season: to love those around you and stay mentally and physically with them, even when things get rough.

The month of December is hard because all kinds of stresses come together to knock you sideways: cooking, shopping, school vacations, work responsibilities, in-laws, relatives, etc. It's also a time when you're trying to please other people too much and this kicks into overdrive if you have family staying with you. Frequently, you forget yourself in the rush of things. The best advice that I think anyone could offer during this time of year is to KEEP BREATHING. Deep, belly breaths that reach down into your very core will help you stay focused on yourself and take care of yourself by staying conscious and checked in with the people around you.

If you need to, take a break every once in awhile to refresh yourself and stay out of suffering. Don't let guilt overwhelm you; it's so easy for that to happen this time of year, but it forces your needs to disappear and be consumed by others. If you keep YOU on your To Do list, you will be much happier with everyone else around you. Do something special for yourself everyday of the season. Make it something that allows you a break and refreshes you at the same time. Give yourself 30 minutes of alone time, go get a massage, spend time with a friend that you hardly ever see, etc.

You only suffer if you choose to do so. Take yourself out of the potential for suffering by keeping your desires, intentions and commitments clear and celebrate yourself this season, along with everyone else around you!

Stuck in the Middle with Yourself

You can't please everyone. That's such an old saying and most people would agree with it, but I think there are very few of us who realize the truth of it. Most of us are frequently trying to satisfy everyone and getting nowhere in the process. We end up losing sight of the most important person in the process. Namely, US.

Sound selfish? Maybe. But if you're not working to keep yourself above water and not disappear from the world around you, then you'll quickly fade into the background. If you're stuck between two people: a boss and another coworker, your child and your spouse, a friend and another friend, you'll stay there until you extricate yourself from the situation and have them deal with each other directly.

Whatever it takes, get yourself OUT of the middle. If you're in the middle, you're in drama. Drama is not inherently a bad thing, but it can create a lot of turmoil and negative feelings that don't get anyone anywhere. If we really want to get OUT of drama and benefit everyone, take a look at what's causing you to be in the middle. Are the other two people afraid to talk to each other? Is it simply easier for them to talk to you? Are you enabling them to NOT talk to each other by being the referee? You need to ask yourself what your role in the tussle is and come to terms with the fact that it would be better for you to not even be involved in the first place. Focus on your own life and your individual relationships with the two people instead of focusing on their overall needs with each other.

Unfortunately, no one can do this for you. In order to step out of drama, you have to take the first step yourself.

If It's Not Working, Try Something Different!

As many people know, Einstein's definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, over and over, but expecting different results each time. It might sound ridiculous, but most people do this, again and again, every day of their lives. Even if their relationships aren't working, they keep acting the same way, hoping that other people will change. Their boss isn't satisfied with their job performance, but they keep trying to please them in the same way. Who knows? Maybe even the boss is attempting to motivate his/her employees in the same way everyday and that isn't working...

The point is, if you aren't satisfied with the results you're getting in some area of your life, turn things upside down a bit. If you're not successful with your business right now, offer a new special or discount to attract customers. If your partner says that you never listen when they talk, shut your mouth and open your ears the next time they have something important to say, if your boss is unhappy with you, take the initiative and find out what would make them happy.

So many times in life, when we're up against a brick wall, we're tempted to keep pounding our head against it until we get our way. Instead, it's much easier (and less likely to cause a concussion!) to find our way around that wall instead of through it.

Give it a try; whatever you're struggling with today, try something new. Maybe even something that you never would have imagined before. It might just work; at the very least, you'll start training yourself to be a solution-oriented thinker.

Intention

How can you get where you want to go if you don't have a clear intention about how to get there?

A goal is what you want; an intention is what that goal looks, tastes, feels, sounds and smells like and might include how you're going to get there; it might not. The clearer you are about your intention(s), the more likely you are to get to your goal.

When I first started working with a personal coach (several years before I decided to become one) on how to go about meeting my soul mate, she had me get entirely clear on what that soul mate would look like. I was somewhat skeptical, but made a list with three categories: Must Haves, Needs, and Bonus. Basically, I focused on what was essential primarily, then qualities that I also needed but might not be of quite as much importance and finally, attributes that it would be nice if my partner had. After I made the list, I didn't throw it away, but I didn't obsess about it either. In fact, it disappeared somewhere into the maelstrom of what my life looked like at that moment.

Eventually, I met Sarah, we dated, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Several months after this, I was going through some things that I was about to throw out and I found the list. The qualities that I had put down matched my fiance perfectly...even the "bonus" ones! I had written down my intentions and I went on to create them, whether I knew it at the time or not.

I know so many people that somehow think that if they walk around blindly looking for something they want, it's simply going to land in their lap. It might, or it might not. Either way, there is a better way of doing things, odds-wise. Here's a prime example. I have a friend, we'll call her Elaine (I know you're immediately thinking of Seinfeld, which is fine because this person couldn't be more different than the token female on that show). Elaine got out of a long relationship a couple of years ago and now she's looking for her soul mate. She's gotten to the point in her life where she wants to meet that special someone and settle down. Elaine has had some difficulties though.

Elaine keeps dating men that just aren't within the parameters of what she's looking for. Commitment-phobes, serial daters, men that she just doesn't click with, you name it, she's dated them. I keep telling her that:

1) She would benefit from watching out for Red Flags. If the guy you went out with last week can't call you to cancel your plans and he texts you instead; NEXT!!!! There are too many fish in the sea and you're too special to put up with flakes.

2) Elaine might find a lot of success with being really, really clear about her intentions. If she knows what she wants in a relationship, she could write it down and put it out there. She prefers to keep her "musts" in her head, though, as she's told me in the past.

And what's wrong with that? Can't you keep track of what you want just as well in your head as you can on paper? Well, yeah, sure. BUT...you knew it was coming! There is something really attractive (and I use that to mean, "attracting something or someone", not how hot you look in those Manolos) about writing what you want down. It clarifies your intentions, it gets them in front of you, it really ensures that what you're writing is what you want because once it's down there in black and white, there is something very reassuring and comforting about it. This is what you want and this is what you're asking to be attracted to...no matter what. You'll settle for nothing less.

You might want to think about giving it a try. Even if you're not looking for someone(thing) specific right now, you can still use this exercise. Try something like the following and see how it works out for you:

MY INTENTION FOR TOMORROW IS: Have a great day with my son and be open to all new experiences.

MY INTENTION FOR THE WEEK IS: I want the STL Cardinals to win the next two games of the World Series!

MY INTENTION FOR THE MONTH IS: Find five new coaching clients!